How to Make Love to a Female Zombie
- Entice her with meat—preferably pork—for pork is the closest tasting meat to human flesh. And she will be hungry—ravenously hungry—so bring enough. Make sure she is satisfied—This is essential! And don’t upset her, for your intestines are at stake if you do. Next, offer her wine, preferably blood red, it will calm her nerves—zombies get nervous too—but don’t get her drunk, that is a bad idea. And don’t get her stones, that is an even worse idea.
- Once your both a bit buzzed, put on your favorite record and ask her to dance. For we all know that dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire, so offer your hand and show her what you’re made of. Start slow, and sweep her hair behind her ear. But be cautious of her feet, for if you step on them, they make break off, and she won’t be able to curl her toes when you make her climax.
- Lay her down softly, don’t be afraid to tell her that her blood stains and bodily fluids don’t bother you. She’ll appreciate that, as her entrails unwrap you under the bedsheets. Enter her slowly, and offer her the chance to be on top, for zombies are an oppressed species, and they like to be in control too, some of the time. Next, cherish her moans, use them as the melody to make love to. And don’t be alarmed if she moans like she is dying, because she is already dead! And this is normal.
- Once you are both satisfies, hold her tight, as if the apocalypse were creeping close. Look deeply into her clouded grey eyes. Tell her how stunning her decaying skin looks. Tell her that the brains oozing from her bedhead are sexy and that her limp-walk swagger is sassy. Tell her she is your undead queen. Tell her she is beautiful. For this might bring her back to life.